The World's Greatest Golf Invitational!
by Carolyne Smythe
Summary: A little sillyfic I decided to do of a totally different contest between Reed and Doom after watching too much golf on television lately. :)


The World's Greatest Golf Invitational!  
By  
Carolyne Smythe  
  
  
British Announcer - "Good morning ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to the first and possibly only World's Greatest Golf Invitational!"  
  
American Announcer - "We are coming to you live from Von Doom's Links in the heart of... (Looks at his cue card puzzled) Is this Doomstake, Doomstud, Doomstool?"  
  
(Dr. Doom walks by the announcers, eavesdropping.)  
  
Doom - "It's DOOMSTADT, LATVERIA you pathetic American! Bah! Who dared not to get Doom's permission for allowance of the media here?!"  
  
(Doom goes off of the camera, mumbling various curses, and walks along huffily with Kristoff running right behind pulling a device holding a bag of golf clubs.)  
  
British Announcer - "Ah yes, that was one of the tournament's two competitors, Victor Von Doom."  
  
American Announcer - "The other competitor, Reed Richards hails from the good old U.S. of A., like me!"  
  
(The British announcer looks at his American partner and rolls his eyes.)  
  
British Announcer - "Here's the rundown on our competitors, Victor Von Doom is a forty year old man who not only hails from Latveria, but rules it too. Also, he owns this course, and is expected to have a slight advantage over his opponent, whom my partner, Mark will tell more about."  
  
American Announcer - "Much obliged Nigel! Von Doom's opponent, Reed Richards is as American as Apple Pie! (Again, the British announcer rolls his eyes at this point.) He is forty years old too, the leader of the Fantastic Five, and one of the smartest men in the world! However, he will need more than smarts to out-golf the golfing dynamo that is Von Doom today!"  
  
British Announcer - "Yes, it is known that Von Doom has been progressively getting better at mastering the game just about every morning this week. We do not know what to say for Richards. (Pauses and looks to his left.) Well speak of the devil, here he comes right now with his caddy and daughter, Marilyn Richards."  
  
(Reed and Mary approach, and walk by the announcers as if expecting to peacefully pass by. Like Kristoff, Mary is pulling a cart holding a bag full of golf clubs. Suddenly, the British announcer catches them both with a microphone in hand.)  
  
British Announcer - "A good morning to you Dr. Reed Richards, now would tell you America, how exactly do you expect to beat Von Doom on his own home course?"  
  
(Reed looks at Mary, and nods. Mary nods back at him, and turns to speak to the announcer.)  
  
Mary - "I am sorry sir. But we have a policy about not speaking to media until an event is over with. In other words, we have no comment right now."  
  
(Reed and Mary walk away talking to one another.)  
  
Reed - "If those men had found out that I have not picked up a club in awhile, that would have been the end right there."  
  
Mary - "Now is not the time to be pessimistic Father, remember who I told you to think about earlier, Bobby Jones. He waited over a year to pick up a club again, and he went on to win the U.S. and British Opens!"  
  
Reed - "Mary, that was a year. It has been at least three years since I last picked up a golf club!"  
  
Mary - "That still doesn't mean you can't beat Doom at this."  
  
British Announcer - "Speaking of caddies, Von Doom's caddy is a young boy by the name of Kristoff Vernard."  
  
(The camera cuts away from the announcers, and shows Doom, Kristoff, Reed, and Mary gathering around the tee-off area for the first hole.)  
  
British Announcer - "In a moment, an official will come with a coin deciding who will get the opportunity to tee off first."  
  
American Announcer - "Speaking of opportunities, let me take the time to explain what is at stake here in this tournament. Whoever wins not only gets control of the world, but they also get to do whatever they wish with the Fantastic Five along with killing their opponent. Yes, it sounds horrible, but to these two gentlemen, it is indeed a worthwhile prize."  
  
British Announcer - "Here comes the official right now."  
  
(A short stout white-haired man sporting a thick white beard, and wearing drab clothes passes by the announcers.)  
  
American Announcer - "In just a minute, we will find out who gets to tee off."  
  
(When the man approaches, Mary immediately shows consent.)  
  
Mary - "You mean BORIS is the offi...!" (Reed instantly stretches his arm and puts his hand over her mouth.)  
  
(Without a word, Boris takes out a coin, and beckons Doom and Reed over.)  
  
British Announcer - "Here it is folks, one of the greatest moments in this tournament!"  
  
Boris - (To Doom) Due to your having the home advantage, you get to choose, heads or tails sire?  
  
Doom - Doom chooses heads, for Doom feels the latter represents his opponent rather well.  
  
(Ignoring the jest, Reed and Mary await Boris's tossing of the coin, which he executes.)  
  
Doom - "Well? Is it heads?"  
  
(Boris will not look up from his hand.)  
  
Doom - "WHAT IS IT BORIS?"  
  
Boris - (In a surprised tone) "It...it's tails sire."  
  
Doom - (Looking like he's about to explode.) WHAT? What happened to the two-headed coin I gave you?!"  
  
Boris - "Uh, lets see. I had two coins in my pocket. Master Kristoff wanted money for a drink. (Pauses) Oh no...   
  
(An announcer's voice cuts in.)  
  
British Announcer - "Well, it appears that Richards shall be the first to tee off."  
  
(Reed walks to the center of the teeing area, where Mary hands him a driver.)  
  
Reed - "(sighs) Wish me luck my child. Just think, the world depends upon these mere strokes."  
  
Mary - "And trust me Father, you shall do well! If it's any indication, I think Doom's mental game will be a bit frazzled after that little incident with the coin."  
  
(As Mary says that, she beckons towards Doom throwing a fit at Boris.)  
  
Reed - "We better take this opportunity to get a decent head start then!"  
  
(Quickly, Reed sets up the ball and tee, positions himself, and swings the club! The ball flies through the air and lands smoothly on the fairway.)  
  
Mary - "Wow! Good shot Father!"  
  
(Reed and Mary head off to where the ball landed. And, the announcer's voice cuts in.)  
  
British Announcer - "Oh my, that was a beautiful shot by Richards! And now it is Von Doom's turn to tee off!"  
  
(The camera cuts to Doom and Kristoff slowly approaching the tee.)  
  
Kristoff - "Master, I would like to tell you how delighted it makes me to be your honorable caddy today."  
  
Doom - "That is nice Kristoff. But that is not what matters right now. What matters right now is DOOM DEFEATING RICHARDS!"  
  
Kristoff - "(sighs) Yes Master. Here is a three wood for teeing off."  
  
Doom - "(eyes the club, then glares at Kristoff) WHAT? THIS CLUB IS TOO WEAK! Hand Doom the victorium Bombarissio of Death right now."  
  
Kristoff - "Master? The Bombarissio of Death is too powerful for this hole, for it's only a par four! You want the three wood."  
  
Doom - "NO! DOOM WANTS THE BOMBARISSIO OF DEATH! AND THE BOMBARISSIO OF DEATH DOOM GETS!!"  
  
(Harshly, Doom grabs the Bombarissio of Death out of the bag, and stomps up to the center of the tee off area. He sets the ball and tee up, positions himself, and swings. Despite the powerful club he is using, Doom shanks the ball, causing it to roll fifty feet, and into a water hazard. Kristoff shakes his head, and takes a notepad and pen.)  
  
Kristoff - "That's two strokes right there Master."  
  
Doom - "Kristoff, whatever you do, please do not remind Doom of when he fails. Every time I do something like what I just did, do not count it."  
  
Kristoff - "But, as an honorable caddy, it is my duty not to cheat!"  
  
Doom - "(Looks at Kristoff in disbelief) Now where did you get such nonsense from?"  
  
Kristoff - "A beautiful intelligent brown-haired girl I talked to when I went to get a drink. She told me all about this caddy's code."  
  
Doom - (Eyes go wide) Was THIS GIRL'S name MARY?!"  
  
Kristoff - "Well, she said her name was Marilyn, but she didn't mind being called Mary."  
  
Doom (Trying to keep his cool.) "Kristoff, my heir, we need to have a talk. A NICE LONG TALK."  
  
(Later at the ninth hole.)  
  
British Announcer - "So far, this has indeed been a very surprising tournament! Richards is having the game of his life at seven below par!"  
  
(Reed and Mary are having their break at a water cooler.)  
  
Mary - "I told you that you could do it! Now, if you keep this up for nine more holes, we'll be in the clear!"  
  
Reed (Looking to his left.) "Yes my child... Where's Doom?"  
  
Mary - "Isn't that them?"  
  
(She points towards Doom who is chewing out Kristoff for the umpteenth time that day.)  
  
American Announcer - "Well, well, well. It looks like Doom has lost his ball AGAIN! This adds more insult to injury, for he is already at a healthy seven above par!  
  
Doom - "DIDN'T YOU SEE WHERE THAT BALL LANDED?"  
  
Kristoff - "I could have sworn I saw that ball land on the green."  
  
(Suddenly, out of the corner of his eye, Kristoff spots a squirrel running up a tree with what is not a nut, but Doom's ball!)  
  
Kristoff - "HEY! That's MY LIFE you getting ready to devour rodent!"  
  
(Doom sees what is happening and responds in his own fashion, namely shooting a laser from one of his gauntlets' fingers at the squirrel. The result is not only a dead squirrel, but a destroyed ball.)  
  
Doom - "(sighs) Mark this one as a hole in one Kristoff."  
  
Kristoff - "But remember the caddy's...?"  
  
Doom - (Interrupting Kristoff) "Remember the talk we had earlier?"  
  
Kristoff - "Yes Master..."  
  
(Kristoff puts a hole in one for the ninth hole on the notepad as Reed and Mary watch.)  
  
Mary - "Pathetic isn't it Father?"  
  
Reed - "It most certainly is my child. We better move on."  
  
(Later at the fifteenth hole. An announcer's voice cuts in.)  
  
British Announcer - "We have now reached the fifteenth hole. And Richards is remaining steady at ten below par, while Doom is just breaking even."  
  
(The camera cuts to Doom and Kristoff.)   
  
Kristoff - "You do realize Master that if you have taken my advice you would be winning over Richards right now."  
  
Doom - "DOOM DOES NOT NEED ADVICE! HOW MANY TIME DOES DOOM HAVE TO SAY THAT?"  
  
Kristoff - "Well master, you should have thought about that when you were asking me to be your caddy. After all, it is a caddy's job to give advice."  
  
Doom - "DON'T YOU DARE SAY ANYTHING ABOUT THAT WORTHLESS CADDY'S CODE POPPYCOCK!"  
  
Kristoff - "You know something Master, I am really starting to see why you grate on the Fantastic Five's nerves."  
  
(As Kristoff said that, Doom was setting up, positioning himself, and swung. The result was the ball making its landing in the woods.)  
  
Doom - "YOU KRISTOFF ARE GOING AFTER THAT WORTHLESS BALL, AND GETTING IT OUT OF THE FOREST! AND WHEN YOU ARE DONE DOING THAT, YOU MAY NOT COUNT THAT AS AN EXTRA STROKE!"  
  
Kristoff - "Yes Master..."  
  
(Later at the eighteenth hole, the camera cuts to Reed and Mary. And, an announcer speaks.)  
  
American Announcer - "Here we are folks at the final hole, and Reed Richards has this baby LOCKED UP with fourteen above par! He has been on fire today!"  
  
Mary - "I don't know what's gotten into you today Father, but you have been shooting the lights out! Four eagles, six birdies, and the rest being pars! If I didn't know better, I would think you were Jack Nicklaus, Arnold Palmer, or Greg Norman!"  
  
Reed - (chuckles as he pats his stepdaughter's head) "Well Mary, it is awful kind of you to put me up there with those greats, but you know my excellent game should be attributed more to luck than anything."  
  
Mary - "True. But, you got to admit that you seem to have a knack for golf. Not only are you playing well today, but you always win over Ben in betting on the games on television."  
  
Reed "Well, we can talk later Mary. We better finish up this game right now before Doom and Kristoff reach this hole."  
  
Mary - "Oh boy... Too late Father."  
  
(Doom and Kristoff approach the better pair. They are both drenched from a fight they had in a water hazard on the seventeenth hole.)  
  
Doom (tauntingly) - If it isn't Reed Richards and his dear beloved daughter!  
  
(Reed swung as Doom said that. This resulted in a shank, and the ball rolling only a mere fifteen feet.)  
  
Mary (glaring at Doom) - For someone who has played this game quite often judging by the fact that this is YOUR course, you don't seem to have much knowledge of the rule that you MUST be quiet so others can CONCENTRATE!"  
  
Doom - "DOOM DOES NOT BELIEVE IN RULES!"  
  
Mary - "Obviously, from what Father and I have seen of your son jotting down that a shot landing in a water hazard was not a one stroke penalty, or the same for tossing a ball out of the woods. Not to mention your not following the "Play it as it lies." rule."  
  
Doom - "Kristoff is NOT MY SON! HE IS MY HEIR!"  
  
Mary - "Now you know how Father and I feel when people act like I'm actually his biological daughter!"  
  
Reed - (Looking rather perturbed.) "Enough! Lets go Mary! Doom has already defeated himself today."  
  
(Reed and Mary move on to where the ball stopped. Doom follows behind, with Kristoff reluctantly tagging along. Reed sets up, and positions himself to hit the ball.)  
  
Doom - "I SAY KRISTOFF, ISN'T THIS FINE WEATHER WE ARE HAVING TODAY?!"  
  
(The comment messes Reed up again, this time making him shank the ball another twenty feet. Mary walks over to Doom's bag of clubs.)  
  
Mary - (To Kristoff) May I take a look at this dandy club? (She beckons to the super huge victorium Bombarissio of Death.)  
  
Kristoff (Whispers) - "I don't think my master would approve, but you have my permission." (He winks at Mary.)  
  
Mary - "Thank you!"  
  
(She grasps the Bombarissio of Death, and pulls it out of the golf bag.)  
  
Mary - "My, this is an interesting looking club. It's very large, even for a wood. Oh, and what is this? The Bombarissio of Death? I have never heard of the Bombarissio of Death. It's a deluded but interesting name. I wonder just exactly how strong this club is..."  
  
(Mary proceeds to sneak up behind Doom, and hit him on the head with the immense club. It results in him being knocked out for a few seconds because of the loud "CLANG!")  
  
Kristoff - "(laughs)"  
  
Mary - Tsk, tsk, tsk. It's a shame Doom. If only Father and I had known that you were playing with an illegal club, we could have immediately won."  
  
Doom (awakens) - "THAT WAS AN INVENTION! IF I HAD WON, I COULD HAVE BEEN ABLE TO MARKET IT!"  
  
Reed - "No you would not have been able to market that club Doom. Like Mary said, it was illegal. The Bombarissio of Death, that IS deluded."  
  
Doom "DOOM CAN MAKE NEW RULES IF HE WISHES!"  
  
Reed - "Didn't you just say earlier you did not believe in rules?"  
  
Doom - "Your brat is enough of a pain to deal with, do not start acting like her."  
  
Reed - "All I am just doing is pointing out the obvious, which was what Mary was doing too. And for your information, she is not a brat. She is a very gifted and sweet girl."  
  
Doom - "Well, I SAY SHE IS A BRAT!"  
  
Reed - "While we are on the subject of children, I am very sure that the United Nations would not approve of how you treat your heir like he is a slave."  
  
(Mary and Kristoff look at the men bickering, then at each other, and then at the men arguing again.)  
  
Mary - "You want to get some refreshments at the nineteenth hole if there is one?"  
  
Kristoff - "(sighs) Might as well. It looks like they are going to be a little while in finishing their conversation. In response to your question about there being a clubhouse, we happen to have one a couple of hundred yards this way."  
  
(Mary and Kristoff get ready to leave Reed and Doom and their golf bags behind, and head to the clubhouse. Before they proceed, Mary walks up to Reed and Doom.)  
  
Mary - "Kristoff and I are heading to the clubhouse if any or both of you want to put away your differences for once and join us for a drink and snack."  
  
(Both men seem to ignore her as they keep on with their quarrel. Mary looks at Kristoff and shrugs.)  
  
Mary - "Oh well, I tried. At least TWO of US can get along."  
  
(Kristoff and Mary walk off into the sunset towards the clubhouse. The camera cuts to the announcers, who have their arms on each others' shoulders and are smiling rather gleefully.)  
  
American Announcer - "Awww! That was so touching and sweet! OH!"  
  
(The announcers get their arms off each others' shoulders, and regain the positions they had maintained earlier at the beginning of the broadcast.)  
  
British Announcer - "Well, that concludes the World's Greatest Golf Invitational! Despite the argument still taking place between the two competitors, Reed Richards was the victor, no pun intended there."  
  
American Announcer - "So we wish all of you a good evening, and thanks for watching!"  
  
(The camera cuts off, but not the microphone.)  
  
British Announcer - "Well, like that Reed Richards chap, I say we did a good job friend. Want to head to a bar?"  
  
American Announcer - "I don't know Nigel. I have heard Latverian beer is not the greatest. And, I really have not seen a single bar here in... is it Doomstar, Doomstand, Doomstoop...?"  
  
British Announcer - "Um, Mark... I think you should look behind."  
  
American Announcer - "Doomstrap, Doomsteed, Doomstop?"  
  
Doom - "It's DOOMSTADT you AMERICAN TWIT! AND FOR YOUR INFORMATION, LATVERIAN BEER IS THE BEST THERE IS! DOOM SWEARS, YOU AMERICANS ARE SO PATHETIC, YOU CANNOT EVEN SEE THAT YOUR MICROPHONE IS STILL ON! WELL, HERE IS SOMETHING THAT DOOM WILL DO RIGHT FOR ONCE!"  
  
(Doom fires a laser from his right gauntlet, and obliterates the microphone.)  
  
*~*~The End~*~*  
  
Author's Note: A BIG thanks goes out to Rootbeer at the Creative Writers Unite message board for coming up with the Bombarissio of Death idea. :)   



End file.
